Friday, November 17, 2006

What happened to the person I used to be?

Lately, I've been asking myself "what happened to the person I used to be?" I've devoted every waking moment for the past few weeks trying to put an end to this trying part of my life. I keep lying to myself that motivation will come out of nowhere once I get back on track and start doing things right with my life. But it's been tough. I'm just not focused or motivated like I used to be and it's really upsetting me.

At one point, I just got so frustrated with myself that I decided to write down how I feel to sort out my thoughts and form a plan to get myself out of this. Here's the list of things about myself that I'd like to fix.
  • Why do I have to be such a perfectionist?
  • I lack the leadership skills to manage my own life. Why is that?
  • Why can I never focus on the task at hand?
  • Why do I always daydream and get nostalgic at the most inappropriate times?
  • Why haven't I been paying attention to the people that matter most in my life - my parents, my friends and my teachers?
  • What is it that I do with my time? I'm always busy but nothing ever gets finished.
  • Why don't I know what I'll be doing a week from now?
  • Why do I never finish things I start?
  • Why don't I keep a regular schedule and work out more?
They say (don't ask me who "they" are) that quite a bit of the things you say to yourself is negative. But I don't think that most people usually walk around utterly consumed by recurring, humiliating thoughts that seem to drain the life out of them.

I've been trying hard to find a cure for this within myself, but I think it's time to look on the outside. I've found a couple of good websites but they seem to be directed more at people who totally hate themselves (unlike me). Remember, as crappy as I feel, I'm still a superhero and we never let ourselves completely fall apart. Check out these links. They might help if you're trying to feel better about yourself too.

Although there seems to be no problem with my self-esteem and stuff, I'm just really disappointed with myself for not getting anything done. This is anger, not depression. I've done my homework on that :D Seems like everybody's saying "Fake it till you make it." Turns out that lying to yourself just might work. So, onward! For a better life! - and one more productive! Nobody is taking my future job away from me!

1 comment:

her royal cuteness said...

don't sweat it too much, manju. everyone goes through that feeling at some moment in their lives. it's pretty common for college students to be feeling that.

if for whatever reason you need someone to just sit there and listen and not be judgmental, you know how to reach me.